A new ban is imminent

Courtesy of nice Mr Raedwald my interest in the e-cigarette has been rekindled. I first read about e-ciggies a few months ago but couldn't find many reviews of the available products and have never seen anybody using one so I haven't been able to receive a personal recommendation. My concern was that it might turn out to be essentially the same as the Nicorette Inhalator, a useful device that gets me across the Atlantic very comfortably but gives me a sore throat after prolonged use and is not a long-term replace for the real thing. Now that a man as distinguished as Mr Raedwald has passed favourable comment, I must get one. It won't replace all smoking in FatBigot Towers or the FatBigot limousine because I have a longstanding smoker's cough to maintain, although it might tempt me back into pubs from which I feel excluded at present.

What possible objection, I wonder, could the Righteous (as the great Mr Leg-iron so deliciously describes them) have to my new toy? Although their grounds for banning things are almost always spurious, at least they feel it necessary to give a reason. Much though I hate to give these idiots ideas, existing examples of their muddled thinking could be recycled in this new cause.

Remember the proposed ban of smoking in films and on television? The argument was that seeing others smoking cigarettes can encourage those of even feebler fortitude than the Righteous to take up the evil habit. It is only a short logical hop for the enfeebled to be swayed by the sight of someone using a mock ciggy because it gives off a visible vapour and could be mistaken for real smoking. Not only is the e-ciggy user a bad influence on the enfeebled but he uses deception to pass on his malign message. That would be completely unacceptable to the Righteous, only they are entitled to deceive.

And, of course, if the enfeebled are deceived there is a chance that Ban Enforcement Executives will also be deceived. Swarms of them will be summoned to pubs and restaurants by the telephone calls of concerned citizens (there is a dedicated freephone number for this purpose). It would be contrary to the public interest for BEEs to swarm without being able to hand out fixed penalty notices, the cost of their attendance must be met somehow. What easier and more productive way could there be than to allow them to issue notices to apparent smokers. After all, ostensible sinning against the standards of the Righteous is as wicked as substantive sinning. Only a ban can keep Britain pure.

The Righteous would have a field day if they looked at how an e-cigarette works. It produces a vapour containing nicotine which is drawn into the lungs wherein the lovely nicotine is absorbed. On being exhaled the vapour forms a cloud not dissimilar in appearance to smoke. This gives the Righteous two further causes for complaint.

First, it seems likely that some nicotine will remain in the vapour as it is exhaled. I do not know this for certain but it seems very likely to me. Nicotine is an addictive substance, therefore e-ciggy vapour could lead to passive nicotine addiction. Well, actually, it couldn't because the concentration in the vapour will be too small and it will dissipate quickly. But facts do not stand in the way of the Righteous, hence their reliance on spurious claims that second-hand smoke is dangerous as the main reason for the current ban on smoking tobacco. Elfin safety is paramount in the workplace and the nations waiters and barmaids must be protected.

Secondly, much of the vapour is water vapour. Worse than that, it is water vapour mixed with carbon dioxide - two particularly potent greenhouse gases. Now that the case for man-made carbon dioxide being an H-Bomb in disguise is falling around their feet like a pair of cheap knickers, they must latch onto anything they can to support St Al of Gore's multi-million pound carbon trading business. The need is so much greater since his chums at Lehman Brothers took an early bath. Water vapour is the perfect cause for their collective ire. It has a far greater impact on the greenhouse effect than carbon dioxide because there is so much more of it. The last thing the Righteous will want is to see the unnecessary creation of more water vapour by sinful Westerners. The e-ciggy must be banned before it boils the planet.

It's all illogical nonsense, of course, but that has never stopped them before.